Wow what a year! Little did I know what God had in store for me.
I had just started a new job at Jack in the Box. Not my first choice by any means. I have a long criminal history and they were the only one who would hire me. It turned out to be a wonderful blessing. The blessings were not monetary but social, personal and recovery. I have learned that I have a lot more work ethic and integrity than I thought. I have learned how to handle difficult people. I have learned that doing the right thing for me, because it is the right thing to do, has huge impact on my recovery. Most of all I have learned that prayer does fix relationships by changing me.
I started school at SAC. I am working toward an associates degree that will allow me to become a substance abuse counselor. My sponsor had me list all the "reasons" I couldn't get into school and then put a checkbox next to each one. Over the next few months I checked off the boxes and started school. Thank you Lauren!
My transition continued. I celebrated one year on hormone replacement therapy, (HRT). The changes continue but I am becoming comfortable with my self, finally. I am also rediscovering the little girl I left behind so many years ago.
By July I was unable to pay my bills and needed a change. My sponsor helped me decide to try to get into sober living. I had thought about this when I was separating from my ex wife at the beginning of 2017. At the time I felt like I was to early in transition to try to get into a women's house, (I felt like an impostor), and definitely couldn't move in with boys, so I moved into an apartment. The same fears came up and I was very nervous about trying to get into a women's house. Within minutes of submitting the online application to Oxford my phone rang and Jamie Rae was on the other end. We set up the interview and a few days later I met the ladies of Green Meadow. The next day they let me know they had voted me in, but the vote was not unanimous. This made me nervous and feel even more like an impostor trying to pretend she is a lady. Right from the start I was welcomed in and was just one of the girls. The love and support I have found here cannot be put into words. I quickly realized I had neatly avoided a lot of interpersonal relationship issues living alone and having a small circle. This has by far been the most awesome, rewarding and beneficial thing I have done in recovery. My recovery, my transition and most importantly my humanity have been infinitely enhanced by you wonderful ladies and I am eternally grateful to you.
The hardest thing I had to do in 2018 was cut ties with my best friend. There is something special about her and I and I always felt good when we got together. Our values drifted apart though and our relationship became quite toxic and I began to place her above my recovery. Sobriety can be very lonely and brutal at times and I had to choose my recovery and say goodbye to Nikki. Nikki, if you wind up reading this just know that I love you to the moon and back and miss you terribly. I just can't risk being around you.
I also have watched a very special, tough and determined sponsee fight through 2018 as well. She has seen plenty of hardship, including a relapse, and has kept on trucking. Her spirit and courage has inspired and influenced me greatly.
Last but not least on my list is my sponsor, Lauren. Again words can't begin to state how I feel about you. You have held my hand when I walked in fear. You have looked me in the eye and asked the tough questions. You have shared your experience, strength and hope. You have reminded me that today I have "Park Avenue Problems" and help me get out of myself. Most of all you are simply there, the net under my tightrope.
2019 will, undoubtedly, see it's share of challenges. 2018 has helped me see that this really is a program for living and that I'm gonna be OK. For that I am eternally grateful and I think I'll keep coming back.
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