When I tell people I have DID, formally known as multiple personality disorder, they don’t really get it. They think I’m exaggerating or mistaken. I wasn’t really sure either until I came out of a blackout during a group therapy session and everyone is staring at me and one of the group members said” Wanda I don’t even know who we were taking to!”.
As I reflect back on my life it becomes quite clear. Much of my life I had this feeling that I just couldn’t do the many heinous things I knew I had done. I would look back and think – how could I have done that? I knew or was told, usually by a conviction and sentencing, that I had done it. It just wasn’t within my value set or beliefs. I just thought I had this evil streak that would come out. Which, I guess, is partially true. I had memories of the beginning and end of many of these events, just not the middle.
After years of trauma therapy, I began to get these and other memories back. I can remember much of the abuse, abandonment and neglect of my childhood. I remember the beatings and bullying in school. I remember the little house of horrors I grew up in. I remember much of what it takes to make an innocent child fracture into pieces. I also remember beating my mother nearly to death. I remember beating many other people. I remember living as a criminal in the streets with no moral compass left and doing many unspeakable things to other human beings. I remember feeling like I just didn’t really know myself. Feeling like I was out of control and would do random things I didn’t like.
The only way I found to cope with all of this was to stay drunk and high most of my life. I always blamed the way I felt and the things I did on being intoxicated. I know now that much of the “blackouts” were really memory holes from being disassociated and another identity having control of my being. I know this because as therapy progresses the memories come back in full. Sure, there are plenty of memories lost to alcoholic blackout but those don’t come back.
As we have worked on the integration process I have gained awareness, or access if you will, to my primary alter – Robert. One of the most devastating surprises was to realize that he knew about me. It is what is known as one-way mirror awareness. Today we have mutual awareness and when he comes I can keep control and see what he feels and thinks. As I/we process these events it seems he loses power and is realizing I don’t need him anymore. He feels very scared and tired.
There is still a block of memories and awareness I don’t have access to. These contain the most heinous and violent things I have done. I have no memory of pointing guns at my wife and children, but they tell me I did it on many occasions. The biggest fear is what else is locked away. There is still quite a bit of time unaccounted for and I have no clue what is in there. I believe that alter is actually a secondary alter to Robert and hope that it dies with him. I don’t really want to know those secrets.
Becoming co-conscious has been a real blessing though. I have lost that sense of confusion and now remember everything I do. I can see the delusional thoughts and ideas that have come from him and begin to disprove of them and change.
It is still very scary sometimes and I wonder if I’m even real or if I could disappear again. My therapist tells me I’m the real host because I have feelings and Robert doesn’t. He also says that I’m in control now and very stable. All I can do is trust him and the process and keep moving forward.