So how does one find out they have Dissociative Identity Disorder, DID?
Now, what do you do about it?
What does life look like after treatment?
I will attempt to answer these questions using my own experiences. There were a lot of clues as I grew up that, in hindsight, are now quite obvious.
My memories have a pretty stable and linear progression until my dad came back into the picture when I was around five. I remember a feeling of withdrawing or running away mentally when my father was violent, which was most of the time. I do not think I had any actual fracturing at that time; just dissociating to get away. I believe that at that point if I had not been subjected to more trauma, I would not have fractured. I also believe that I was already predisposed due to my unstable and fragile home life and lifestyle. My mother and father divorced around the time I was born, and my mother moved back in with her parents. My mother was working, and so I was bounced around between neighbors, my grandfather's shoe repair business, and my mother as caregivers. I had different personae for each situation, and I think that may have been a precipitating factor as I felt more comfortable in certain situations, not being my true self.
After I got sober at 53, 4/6/2015, I thought I would just get my old life back sober and be good. Seriously working a twelve-step program and thirty days in jail cleared enough hubris to begin to see things were not as good as I thought. During the fifth step, my sponsor recommended I call the therapist a friend had given me the number for. I called Alan Albert and arranged a session for the following Sunday. In the first few minutes of our first session, he asked what had happened to me. I replied that it was nothing and that I just needed some help adjusting to coming out as transgender and dealing with my then-wife. He laughed and said I had obvious signs of severe trauma and indicated he would like me to begin seeing him weekly. We established a plan and began using TRT, trauma resolution therapy, and over the next couple of years, we processed years and years of trauma. At one point, I told him that things were being moved around in my apartment and that I was planning to contact the police because I thought it was the apartment staff. Alan, at this point, began a marathon two-hour session that ended with me asking if I actually switched into other people without knowing it, and he tearfully said yes. It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over me. I spent several minutes reeling as so many pieces fell into place. This was my first diagnosis or clue that I had DID. It made so many things make sense that I was ready to do whatever it took to get better. I was about two years into therapy at that point, and if I had known what the next five years would bring, I am sure I would not have gone through with it. In hindsight, I am happy I dove in and tackled it, but the mind I had then would not have faced it.
Robert – We continued to use the TRT process and processed trauma. I cannot put my finger on the exact moment, but I became aware that I was watching and listening to myself speak. This was my introduction to Robert. I also gained co-consciousness with Robert and saw that he had been aware that I existed and knew he was an alter all along. This was a very painful discovery. For the next three years or more, I became more familiar with Robert and how switching works. I did switch several times with blackout and became more aware of how that feels. For me, there is a bit of an aura, and I now can usually stop it. It has been a couple of years since I fully switched, and I do not think it can happen anymore. With that said, I do have very strong impressions, thoughts, and voices from my alters. Robert is a hero. He lives for someone who needs saving and jumps right in. Anything from broken people to burning buildings, he is your man. Robert saved a lot of lives and put out a lot of fires. He also was good at burning bridges because he is always right and screw you if you disagree.
Robbie - When I was around seven years old, my father had been taking me to a gym to swim. We would play in the pool, and I remember that as a very pleasant memory at first, and I have had access to that part of the memories all my life. My father would disappear for a while, and I was being watched by an older man. I will not go into detail here, but in short, he raped me several of the times I was left with him. I remember a calm coming over me and not feeling the pain anymore. In hindsight, those memories had been blocked for a very long time. It was only recently that I began to have access to those memories. My therapist and I had an EMDR session where we created a safe space. After that, a little personality began to hide in the safe space and poke his head out, and I became aware of him. His name is Robbie, and he is around seven years old. He was very scared and afraid of another personality, Tina, who believed that hiding the painful memories from me was necessary for survival at a very deep level.
Danny – Due to the abuse from my mother and bullying at school, I quit going to school. My mother's solution was to drop me off at a police station. (Yeah, you read that right) The police, or courts, placed me in an orphanage as my dad did not want me either. At Clayton, the orphanage, they chopped off all my hair and instructed me in the ways of being a boy and not liking boys. My memories, for the most part, stopped there and did not restart until about nineteen ninety-five, and I did not get them back until Danny reemerged. During several therapy sessions, non-EMDR, after creating the safe space, I felt a VERY strong presence trying to pull me away. It felt very malevolent and powerful and scared the hell out of my therapist and me. Over the next few months, I had a lot of stressors and had massive triggering during a food delivery job off of almost every scene or sight I had. I believe it was the combination of driving, music, and the relief of having an income that allowed Danny and Tina to appear. It was quite overwhelming because all of Danny's memories were unlocked, and it was like he had been in a coma. It was also beautiful because the majority of my life had been a hazy blur and was suddenly now crystal clear and in focus. As of this writing, I am still in the process of walking through these memories and reveling in them. Even the most horrific memories are tolerable because I have good coping skills now. Danny was a hip, slick, cool angry teenager. He was also quite sociopathic with no remorse or feelings. He autopiloted through life, living for thrills, highs, and fun. He could also get violent and manipulative. He loved making people crazy. Once he reemerged, though, he seemed to have feelings and skills copied from me, so he is pure joy and a blast to have around. Unlike the other alters, he is complete and has his own undirected thoughts. He even says his own prayers. He is not able to front, though, so we are cool.
Tina – I only know Tina from her unlocked memories and dark feeling presence. She is the powerful presence I felt during the sessions with Dr. Speedlin and during triggerings while driving around doing DoorDash. She was trying to keep Danny's and her memories hidden. She came out with Danny, which was a sudden and almost birthing process. During a writing session, I was just suddenly aware of them, and the feeling of pressure went away. I know she was formed the first time I had sex with my mother around nine or ten, fourth grade. I had known something sexual had happened with my mother for a while and had numerous therapists tell me they suspected it. During therapy with Alan, I had come to the edge and could remember kissing her the first time and the feeling of lust beginning to build, and then it always went blank. When Tina emerged, the rest of the memory became clear, and I now have memories no human should. It is benign now, though, because I can process it for what it was and even appreciate parts of it. The other really heinous and violent stuff is there now too. I vividly remember beating my mother nearly to death. I remember the road rage shooting as well as many other violent road rage incidents. I remember a lot of violence and nasty things I did in Denver with a gang I ran with. I believe my whole life came suddenly into view because Tina was gatekeeping, and once she capitulated, the blocks were all removed.
Wanda – I think and hope I am the true host, but I have come to believe that there is no such thing and that we are all alters to some extent. I am the amalgam of all the rest, or possibly the CEO. And that makes a lot of sense because I always felt incomplete and semi-opaque until the last personalities came into view. I finally feel whole and complete. I am still trying to discover who I really am, but I have all the puzzle pieces now, and it is up to me what the picture will look like.
Us - We have complete co-consciousness now. Danny has independent processing and comments at will, and even says his own prayers. The rest are mostly feelings, attitudes, and sometimes behavior. I usually recognize when that is happening because my behavior is outside my values. They are also memory containers, and I sometimes need to channel an alter a bit to obtain a memory. So, today life looks promising and full of hope. I could have never imagined or predicted that I would be at this place. I thought I would forever live in at least partial darkness and never remember much of my life. To have my entire life back is, in my opinion, nothing short of a miracle.
Angels - There are no words to describe Alan Albert; he was a true miracle of God and walked so many like me out of our darkness. Alan died of Covid at the end of twenty-twenty after nearly five years of weekly therapy. I was lost and did not think I would ever find my way back from the path Alan and I walked for so long. Then like a clearing in a forest, Dr. Stacy Speedlin opened her practice. Her resume basically said she specialized in me. She is also a miracle worker. Between the two, it has been nearly seven years of pretty much weekly therapy. The pain and anguish of the cauldron I have passed through in that time are indescribable but, in the end, worth every twist. Today I'll take the high road and look at all of this as a tremendous gift, and I get to spend the rest of my life unwrapping it.
Wanda G
27 June 2023